BOBOdHHHHHHpHh (Z-jFLOM!`xHH@Rg(HH(dh Vl /ds舰瀐H/H/d@  |>DSETttt |v@v *vh H    ]  )  d     ] ^    ( < 8a bit of Chavas story before i was the frum ima (Jewishly religious mother) i am now, i was singing stories and fiddling from a flying trapeze. How far would YOU go to be loved? i queried my audience, swinging on the trapeze and peeking out from behind my fiddle. the story i sang was about a girl who sold her soul to the devil in exchange for a violin which would win her the love of her beloved. i played my violin all over the world, searching for my beloved and searching for G-d. i was a performance artist and a breaker of rules, a crosser of boundaries. i scorned tradition, religion, and conventionality yet desperately desired an authentic spiritual practice. nothing could contain me until one Shabbos in Jerusalem broke my heart and set my feet on the only true path for my Jewish soul; the path of Torah and mitzvos. this is how it happened. i was happy in S.F. i had created the girl, the devil, her violin and was performing it. i brought the piece to Portland, OR and during a dress rehearsal my bow dropped and broke. (i had an extra bow so the show went on!) Thankfully, the insurance on my bow covered the damage and left me with enough money to buy a plane ticket to New Zealand. People responded to my show in different ways. They had certainly never seen anything like it before. I performed there in the Fringe Performance Art Festival, and continued on to perform in New Zealands 3 major cities. I earned enough to get myself to Ireland. I had always longed to learn Irish music, and this is what i did for 6 months. I sat in smoky Irish pub after pub, listened, played, and learned. At an Irish rainbow gathering some Jewish brother taught me a Jewish song; Mitzva gedola lhiyot bsimcha. I met amazing, beautiful, spiritual people in Ireland and celebrated pagan rituals with them; full moon, winter solstice, fall equinox. We travelled to special stone circles mystically aligned with the moon and the sun and prayed together in our own way. We stayed up all night around campfires playing music. I loved being there but knew it wasnt my home. From Ireland i travelled to the next place that called my soul so loudly; India. 6 months in India. Even before the plane landed in Delhi i could smell the thick, sweet, hot, incense-filled air of India. I was astonished. Here was a place where everybody prayed. i had never felt such spirituality before. my soul was waking up. My friends and i met a Hindu man who called himself Madman. He carried around human bones and stunk from never bathing. He was dark, charismatic, and true and taught us an intense form of meditation that involved crossing our eyes and special breathing. After he raped my friend we lost him on a train ride. We travelled to a place of refuge, Rishikesh, where i met the exact opposite of Madman. Jamuna-mai, a 30-something German-born woman had been called to India when she was 19 (she just started walking eastwards and eventually got to India) and had been living in a cave doing severely ascetic spiritual practice (fasting from food, relations, and speech) ever since. We connected immediately, and deeply. I spent a few days with her in the cave where she lived with 3 other saddhus, and we discussed possible spiritual paths for me. What about Judaism? Its not my thing, i explained. Its too patriarchal. Are you sure? she pressed. The truth was, I really didnt know. My assumptions about Judaism were not grounded in any real investigation. I was not ready to agree with her, that i should go to Israel and find out more. But her words stayed in the back of my mind. After hiking down from the cave back to Rishikesh, i met a young Israeli-American named Shira. We exchanged stories, and became friends. Soon after, i spoke with my mother. Both of us had the idea that we should meet in the summer, when she had a vacation from work, for i had been travelling for a year and a half and we missed each other. I noticed that the tickets to Israel were very inexpensive from India, and it was a short flight. My mother had always wanted me to go to Israel, for she had developed a strong bond with the people and the place when she had volunteered to serve in the Army ( on the Volunteers for Israel Program) several summers ago. We decided to meet in Israel. I told Shira i was going. Would you mind bringing some gifts back for my family?, she asked. I was happy to, considering i would arrive a few weeks before my mother and knew nobody there. She explained that they lived in Jerusalem, that they would be so happy to get something from her because she too had been away a long time, and, oh, one more thing, she smiled apoligetically- theyre very religious. No problem, i said honestly. i was really just happy to have someone to call when i arrived. i arrived in Jerusalem on a thursday morning and phoned the Uhlmans from the Old City. They were thrilled to hear from me and invited me for Shabbos the next day. when i showed up on their doorstep in Harnof a short time before candle-lighting (the ceremony which marks the onset of the Shabbat), i was not expecting that my whole life would change in the next few hours. What i felt when i walked into their house was very simple, but so deep. i suddenly felt, after a lifetime of never belonging anywhere, that even though i didnt even know these people, i belonged here. the love and respect the children felt for their parents was palpable. everyone was dressed in their finest clothes, the house was spotless, and the table set with glowing silver and china. when the littlest girl lit her candle and made the blessing, my heart was already breaking. I stayed up talking with the parents, late into the night. My tshuva process had begun.ZNDSET2H 6*DSET2H= 6*DSUMHDNISTYL X JSTYL0Hltd\             X HASH $.  .  .  . 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